If you are a man reading this post, then you are probably really confused by the title. However, I’m willing to bet that most women instantly got it and probably a number of you nodded your heads along in agreement. I have experienced an uptick in the number of times I’ve been told to “smile” lately and it really just gets my goat so I thought I’d put pen to paper (so to speak) and write about why I hate being told to smile so much.
This is how the exchange usually works: I’m walking around, running errands or whatnot, just minding my own dang business when a man (it’s always a man) walks up to me and says something like “smile, baby.” Enter my rage. I typically just stare blank faced at the man until they get my point. Lately, I’ve been so irritated that I’ve started responding. Last week it happened it Costco (my happy place). Same scenario, except this time when I just stared blankly, the dude said “okay, don’t even try.” I flipped around, wagged my finger and told him, “I don’t smile on command.” He didn’t say anything and I’m pretty sure I saw the elderly woman giving out samples of snack bites wink her eye at me.
So why do I hate being told to smile? Well…here it is. When a man tells a woman he doesn’t know to smile, he isn’t just being cute. In fact, there’s nothing cute about it. There is a reason that I have never, ever had a woman I didn’t know tell me to smile. There is a reason that men don’t walk around telling other men they don’t know to smile. When a man tells a woman (that he doesn’t know) to smile, he is implying that she owes him her smile. That it is her job to walk around with a smile on her face so that he feels comfortable. But it’s not. It’s not my job nor my responsibility to do something to make a stranger comfortable. Nor is it my job to smile on command to make you happy. The idea seems ridiculous to me.
I am sure that most men have no idea the feelings that they are evoking when they tell a strange woman to smile. When I’ve had this conversation with my husband, he didn’t quite get it but of course supported me in how I felt. So I understand that this post is not going to change anyone’s mind. But. If you know that something you are doing makes someone else uncomfortable, would you continue doing it? I hope that the answer is no. And yes, beneath the rage, having strange men tell me to smile makes me feel uncomfortable. It reminds me that just because I am a woman some men feel as if they have a claim to how I’m supposed to look, to how I’m supposed to act. It’s the same feeling I have over and over again during the summer when I run in shorts due to the crazy DC heat and humidity and get alllllll kinds of comments (that’s a story for another day). That same feeling of “this is wrong.”
I want to end this post by saying I have nothing against people being friendly. I’m from Alabama, y’all. I actually use the word y’all in regular conversation. I love people. But that doesn’t require me to walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face. Especially because that smile is then seen as an invitation to a conversation I don’t want to have with men I don’t want to talk to (because they don’t want to talk – they want something from me. We all know that). There is nothing wrong with being friendly. There is nothing wrong with saying hello. There is something wrong with issuing a commandment to a stranger as if you have a right to command her to change her facial expression to suit you. And “smile, girl” or “smile” or “why don’t you smile?” is not friendly conversation. It’s a version of a man attempting to display his power over a woman he doesn’t know. I fully understand that this post might not make sense to some of you. But I know after talking to so many friends who this happens to on a regular basis that I am not alone in this. And if this post inspires just one man to quit telling strange women to smile, then I will be happy.
Has this ever happened to you, ladies? Do you care or does it not bother you?
I can completely relate to this. I have a resting mean girl face and it’s never on purpose. I do try and smile and I feel like it never comes across that way! Such a relatable post for a lot of woman.
Hollie recently posted…The Month of Broad Street and 5ks
Exactly. I’m a smiley person but I don’t walk around w/a fake smile and I guess that’s the problem.
Yes!! It happens to me all the time. Apparently I look like I’m pissed off when I don’t smile so I hear it a lot and it’s really annoying!! And you are right! Never from women, only from men! I hadn’t even noticed that before!
Only men! I have NEVER had a woman say that to me and I would never tell a stranger to smile. Grrrr
I was reading this whole post and just kept saying “Yes”. It’s the most annoying thing in the world and it happens to me ar least a few times a month!
It is SO annoying!!!!!
Trying to get over that Costco is your happy place …. A colleague at work does this to me and it gets under my skin so much. I usually give him my best clenched-teeth smile to scare him away. I really hadn’t thought through to realize that women never do this and that men never do this to men ….
Coco recently posted…Bike for Beer
Haha. I’m strangely fascinated by Costco 🙂 ugh, how annoying that it happens at work!!
I also find this obnoxious! One time a male customer said this to me when I was a waitress… Unknown to him, my dad had just passed away. I just looked at him and walked away…, but you’re right, women never do this! Just men!
Ugh. That’s the other thing – you never know what someone is dealing with!
I can totally relate! I hate when people tell me to smile…I guess I look pissed off when I’m not?! Smile when you want to smile!
Karen @karenlovestorun
Karen @karenlovestorun recently posted…Happy June! + Monthly Goals
You probably just look normal 🙂
This happens to me often enough. I have a nice smile but most of the time I probably look cranky and don’t just walk around with a smile plastered on my face. I agree with you-I’m always hearing it from men not women.
I despise it so!
Ugh… I hate this! And you’re right, it’s never women saying this or men saying it to other men. It drives me nuts. Plus, it feels weird to smile for no reason as you’re going about your day to day errands. I’ll smile when I want to, not because a random stranger tells me to.
Chaitali recently posted…Weekly Review
Your last sentence is so on point!!!
I have honestly never had this happen to me. Just random strangers say smile to you? That’s really odd. I can understand why it would frustrate you.
I have to laugh though, as a professional photographer, I took the title of this blog post completely different than where you went with it.
Amy @ Running on Faith and Coffee recently posted…Welcome June! {Goals & Motivation Monday}
Hahaha that’s funny!!
you know, I never really thought about this but OMG so true! and I hate even more when someone calls me “baby girl” one, I am neither your baby nor your girl. I’m a lady 😉
Mar @ Mar on the Run recently posted…Summer Goals
OMG yes. Although I make exceptions for old southern men who I can tell are just being cordial. Like men who remind me of my grandfather. 🙂
that ain’t who I’m talking about 😉
Mar @ Mar on the Run recently posted…Summer Goals
This has never happened to me, but I think I usually DO have a smile on my face. I’d be ticked if someone approached me in that way though.
Maureen recently posted…After the Whole30 {the future is mine}
haha, you are the cutest! 🙂
i never thought about it this way, as a man telling a woman she “owes” him her smile. definitely food for thought and an interesting perspective! i can relate, though, to the whole being told to smile thing…i feel like guys use it as an ice breaker or a way to get your attention. a lazy way, at that, but hey, they’ll try anything, right? 🙂 easier to go up to a girl and say “smile” if she happens to not be (sorry, but who walks around grinning 24/7? chances are he can find a girl in a crowd who isn’t smiling into the sky) than to have to think of something, like, half creative. 🙂
yes, totally true about the lazy way of breaking the ice. but often it’s said in that kind of dirty way which is just gross. 🙂
ugh, I hate when people say this! Strangers, always strangers!
I am generally not a smiley, overly friendly person (born w RBF). Doesn’t mean I’m not happy or that I’m a mean person (ok sometimes it means that). I think it’s kind of creepy when someone walks around w a perma-smile but that’s just me.
ALWAYS strangers, right?? ugh.
ALL. THE. TIME. I hate it. It’s right up there with catcalling. Yelling “Hey beautiful” while I’m running is not a compliment. It makes me uncomfortable. Good for you for responding!
The worst instance I’ve ever had of anything similar…I have a running shirt that says I <3 Sweat that I bought from another blogger when she was raising money for a race. I was out for a run and some guy yelled "Oh I'll make you sweat." I've never worn the shirt again. It might sound silly but I was so uncomfortable and disgusted!
ugh. that does not sound silly at all. it sounds gross and i totally get it. i could write a whole separate post (and i just may) about the inappropriate street harassment that women (especially any woman who DARES to run) experience daily. ugh. it makes me so sick.
I hate it, too! Not only does it (and you’re TOTALLY right) come across as our responsibility to make men happy….but what really gets me is the fact that a strange man assumes he has some sort of ownership over my body. I mean, a perfect stranger just gets to tell me what to do, and I’ll just do it? Because he’s a man? That’s why women never say it to each other: we actually have respect for our fellow ladies. I would never say anything like this to another woman (or a man, for that matter) because I assume that she’s a human being who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions (and she can scowl if she wants to!), and that she’s not a play-thing I get to manipulate because she amuses me.
yes! you are so right – it’s so presumptuous and just absolutely absurd. i’m so glad i’m not alone in this!
I haven’t gotten it but I know I’d react like you did. If I’m running errands, my only goal is to wrap it up and get out of the store. I’m not there to smile through it, especially when I need to concentrate on what I’m doing and go by my list so I don’t forget anything.
Lesley recently posted…Seghesio and Silver Oaks
exactly! i’m usually so far in my own world, trying to just get through my day!
PREACH. The level of entitlement a person must have to feel like it’s acceptable to literally command a stranger to do something with her face just blows my mind. The worst thing is that whenever someone does this to me I’m usually so startled that I end up nervously smiling at them by accident, which then makes me even angrier (at them and at myself!). I clearly need to be more prepared to throw some stranger stink eye 🙂
I’m a relatively new reader, so thank you for this post!
ugh, that has happened to me before as well (the nervous smile). you hit the nail on the head when you commented on the level of entitlement. so true!
I always counter with “Why?” It usually catches the person off-guard and I have walked on by in the split-second.
The command to smile comes from the same place as lascivious heckling. It’s a deep-seated belief that some males have that females are out in public in order to please males. I haven’t been told to smile in a long time–I think the last time was when I worked as a server. My public persona has changed–I’m either in business wear (which intimidates guys like this) or with my kids (which scares them off and/or renders me invisible).
Molly @alsoranagain recently posted…5 Ways to Stay Sane when You Can’t Run
Yes. 100% yes.
OMG! There is so much YES here! I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this and he does not get it! You have way more gumption than I have though, I’ve yet to feel comfortable to issue a retort to someone, but I think I need to start.
Elizabeth recently posted…It’s been a year!
I just really got sick of it, to be honest. It’s never meant in a genuinely nice kind of way. And I’ve truly just had it.
A-MEN SISTER!
Haha, thanks lady!
I guess, I get why it would upset you. But playing devils advocate. It is strange that you argue they should stop because it makes you uncomfortable at the same time you say you don’t smile to make them comfortable.
While I wouldn’t smile because I was commanded, maybe you just need a smile. So yes but no.
I completely disagree. Following the logic of your argument, people who harass others should continue to do it, regardless of the repercussions of their actions. And the fact that it makes me uncomfortable is simple ONE reason why it is inappropriate for a stranger to tell a woman to smile. The bigger reason, as I discussed within the post, lies in the assumption that a stranger has a claim to how someone else is supposed to look, feel or act.
In regards to your comment that I need a smile (I think you meant need TO smile rather than A smile, but semantics), I smile quite a bit during my day. What I don’t need are strange men telling me how to behave.
I have a pretty intense default face. It isn’t that I look mean or am frowning, but it is VERY blank. And that gets to people. Also, I don’t generally just smile around town, so I get this A LOT. One time, someone commented and I just told them “Nothing. It’s just my face.” That shut them up lol
Susie @ SuzLyfe recently posted…How to Avoid Marathon Training Burnout
I mean, seriously? It IS just my face in a normal resting position. No need for comment! LOL
You’re definitely not the only one – it drives me crazy too.
Fiona @ Get Fit Fiona recently posted…CosmoBody Review
I really can’t stand it!
I just saw the title for this and immediately got mad. YES YES AND YES. I haven’t been able to articulate WHY it makes me so so angry and this puts it into words perfectly! Every freaking day some man says “you’d be so pretty if you smiled” “can’t you just give me a smile” can’t you just get out of my face/!?!??!
Lindsay T. recently posted…Lunch for the week: BLT Turkey Wraps 4 Ways
can’t you just get out of my face/!?!??! YES!
Oh, wow. This has happened all my life. I love the way you were able to verbalize why I’ve always hated it. NO one should ever command you to do anything. However, I am southern. I will smile at you and say thank you if hold the door open or perform some other act of kindness.
HoHo Runs recently posted…aRRRRgh…
Oh for sure – I smile at people and say “hello” or “good morning” or whatever the case may be allll the time. But the “smile” comments – ughhhh!
PREACH girl! I haven’t had this happen in awhile (now since I put that out there, it will happen to me in the next 2 days, watch) but it is so annoying and condescending and let’s be real-sexist! As you said, a man woud never say that to another man.
haha, I sincerely hope this does NOT happen to you soon now that you said that! 🙂
Preach!! I hear this all the time and I can’t stand it. You said it well…I will try not to get all feminist in here lol, but I wish men would understand it! I don’t anyone a smile! It’s usually old(er) men who say it to me…smh.
janelle @ Run With No Regrets recently posted…Zooma Annapolis 10K Race Recap
A female co-worker (who also happens to show up for work much less frequently than the rest of us) walked in front of my desk one day last week and said, “Smile!” in a sort of snarky way; I thought about hopping up to smack her, but then thought better of it. I’m busy! I’m at work! Who is she to tell me to smile at her? Ugh…people, Courtney. Thank you for allowing me to vent. 😉
Tara @ Running ‘N’ Reading recently posted…2015 Rock Run 8K
Ugh indeed. I can think of a thousand snarky responses. Ugh.
Genuine smiles are not commanded. They just appear. They’re natural, and I totally agree that smiling on command is just not… real.
Emily recently posted…Biggest Part of My Recovery – #3 – The Book
Exactly!!
Wow! You’ve really opened my eyes. Not only has this never happened to me, but this is the first time I’ve heard of it happening to women at all! I would have the same reaction. I don’t think it’s appropriate to go up to anyone and tell them to do anything! I think it hasn’t happened to me is because of my strategy of living in a not-great neighborhood in the city: whenever I see anyone, I smile, look down & don’t make eye contact. I’m pretty sure I look crazy (because who walks around other a big smile on their face?!) so people leave me alone. 🙂
Jennifer @ Running on Lentils recently posted…Goals Update: June
Lol. Looking crazy definitely helps 🙂
Nodding my head in complete agreement through this whole post. Makes me crazy every time someone (read a man I don’t know) says it to me. I usually hold my tongue and just give a “if looks could kill” look, but every now and then, I will snap and go off on someone!
Michelle @ Running with Attitude recently posted…June Refresh
Sometimes it just gets to ya!
Ugh I hate when this happens! I usually just ignore it and give them a dirty look. But sometimes, if I’m in the right (or wrong, depending on your perspective) mood, I’ll stop and pull my face into an exaggerated frown for them.
Lol. That’s hilarious!
Anything a strange man says to me I a suspicious of.
Abby @ BackAtSquareZero recently posted…People over PRs! – Running – It Is All About Community
I’m totally okay with friendly comments but not stuff like “smile, girl.”
“I don’t smile on command.” LOVE this – just because I am a woman who happens to be in public does not mean I am here for your entertainment!
Hilary @ embrace the neon recently posted…So Much New…
Amen to that, lady! 🙂
I like this on the perspective that when it comes from a man…men are annoying, we all know that However, I have told other women to smile. Mainly, as a Christian myself, I always like to talk to people (especially the people checking me out at stores or restaurants). Sometimes they can be extremely rude, and I know that we always don’t know their circumstances, but I always try to talk to them and sometimes I’ll say something to the effect of, “It’s a beautiful day, you should smile,” I think coming from a woman to another woman gives it more of a complimentary aspect than when a man just comes up and tells us to do it. I for sure wouldn’t smile on command for a strange man either.
Very good points! I’ve never had a woman I don’t know tell me to smile. Maybe because I’m more apt to smile at women I don’t know?
I’ve gotten this from men and women my whole life. SO annoying. I think I’m going to start employing your strategy of staring them down when it happens.
*So* very very well put! Thank you!
I’m late to this one but a friend of mine had a great response to an unwelcome suggestion from a male cashier. He says “You know it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile.” She shot back “It takes more effort for you to point that out than to leave me alone. ” I love it.
That is glorious!!!
Oh my goodness, yes, thank you for this! As many other commenters said, my default resting face is also perceived as mean or angry so I get this ALL THE TIME. (Even once recently after my friend had just passed, I wanted to smack the guy.) It makes me feel bad about myself, that I come off as a mean and angry person, when I’m really not!! I wish men realized how demoralizing and annoying their simple comment is.
Exactly. Your last sentence says it all! Ugh. 🙁
Courtney, thanks for writing this.
If you are comfortable doing so, consider sharing your story with Collective Action for Safe Spaces.
http://www.collectiveactiondc.org/
In documenting the pervasiveness of public street harassment –or in this case, in-store– we can help raise awareness of this important issue.
Tim
Yes! I have had men say this to me all the time. My resting face doesn’t even make me look grouchy, yet men are always telling me to smile for them. Why should I? And the funny thing is, the ones that tell me to smile, don’t have a smile on their face 24/7 anyways.
Ugh. I almost quit my job over this. I was a waitress and in hour 10 of a 12 hour shift. I was taking a quiet moment to breathe in the back of the restaurant during a busy cocktail hour. The new co-owner told me to smile in a very flirty way. I gave him the most minimal response I could and he got angry. He said, “If you can’t smile right now you can just walk out of here.” So I did, haha. I will never let a man act like he owns me. It’d be one thing if he was critiquing my interactions with customers, but this was him demanding me to respond to his presence–with my body– in a certain way and it felt skeezy as hell. I think the fact that he got mad is a perfect example of how it truly is a power thing.
The manager on duty talked me down and even though I didn’t get an apology he left me the hell alone from then on. Guess he didn’t trust himself to know how to be respectful in his interactions with me…
Ugh I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is awful and definitely NOT okay. It is a power thing 100% – ugh ugh ugh!