The New York Times Style Section published an article touting a new-ish book called The Gaggle: How the Guys You Know Will Help You Find the Love You Want. The authors insist that they are advocating for young women who are in the “post dating” reality.
“If you want to hook up, hook up, they said. And afterward, they advised, be natural. Crack a joke. Have some food. Act as if fun, casual sex is just that: fun, casual sex — nothing more.”
Ack. It was when I read that line that I was inspired to blog about this. I am a firm believer that most women (notice I said most, not all. I recognize there are exceptions) who are actively dating (or want to be actively dating) want to be in a relationship. They do not want to constantly be hooking up, and constantly wondering about the state of their relationships. I think the general idea of using your current connections to introduce you to other single men makes a lot of sense. But I just do not agree with this culture of encouraging women to be “causal” about everything. Intimate relationships are anything but casual and encouraging women to act like they are is a mistake.
I want to make clear that I’m not suggesting that something is wrong with women (and men) who choose to have a casual relationship with someone. I think that is a personal decision and if it works for you, then sure. But my problem is that the suggestion here is that women should act as if it works for them even if it doesn’t. Why should a woman pretend to be okay with something she isn’t okay with? I’ve seen this play out (I’ve even experienced it myself, somewhat) and it isn’t pretty. Anytime someone is pretending to be fine with something that makes they are not actually fine with, trouble ensues. What do you think? I am just overreacting? Has anyone read this book and care to share?
I haven’t read the book, but I agree with you. I would further assert that most men (primarily those that are our contemporaries) are ALSO looking for something more than just casual relationships. As a matter of fact, in the last few years it has been difficult for me to date as I am not interested in marriage and I find many men (especially in my area of the US) are interested in marriage as the ultimate goal. I think younger people (women and men) in their twenties are the ones typically looking for something less serious. Most people I interact with who are my age (30) are all looking for more serious relationships- whether that is marriage or just a long term committed dating situation differs, but none are looking for casual sex.
Bottom line: People should be honest about what they want, regardless of what it is. Without putting it out there honestly, you’re only going to get disappointment and frustration in return. Also, if someone you’re seeing asserts that they want something different from what you want- have the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away. That way, you don’t waste your time, their time, and (I find) there are less hurt feelings.
Yes, I completely agree. Your bottom line is exactly what I’m saying. Honesty is always the best way to go! Well said, friend!
I completely agree, but I would add that there are inherent relationship risks in having sex with someone with whom you are not serious. If you can’t handle those risks, don’t have sex. It’s that simple.