In the early 1900s, Albert Einstein published his theory of relativity. Now, I am not a scientist, but in general, here’s the idea: space and time are interwoven into a single continuum known as space-time. Events that occur at the same time for one observer could occur at different times for another. It is this last line that gives me pause – events that occur at the same time for one observer could occur at different times for another. Broken down to its core, this means that success for one person could happen at a completely different time and have a completely different meaning for someone else. It’s essentially the procursor to the idea of the comparison trap.
Why am I talking abou the theory of relativity? Well, I’m going to share some thoughts that might be unpopular. I hope by now, y’all know me and know I’m not trying to be rude here – not my style. But. I have been pondering this and it’s been bothering me so let’s talk about it.
As someone who lives certain aspects of her life very publicly, I am used to all kinds of comments about my running. Most of it is the standard stuff you see on social media – kudos and congrats and sometimes questions. But over the past year or so, I noticed that I sometimes get comments along the line of “well, gosh, I couldn’t even one run mile at that pace, so be excited about [fill in the blank disappointing run or race].” Those comments are always made in a spirit of kindness and I suspect that they are said in an effort to make me feel better. I see these comments a lot as well with my much faster friends. And I’m here to encourage you NOT to make these kinds of statements.
Yep – I am saying that you should NOT tell your friend who had a tough race, “I would kill to run that pace, I can only run [insert your pace].” I’m making this request for a couple reasons:
- That response instantly makes someone else’s bad race about you. Again, I know this is unintentional. But when someone is sharing their frustration about something and you respond with “well, I…” you are making it all about you when it should be about your friend / family member / etc.
- That type of comment is just simply not helpful. Everyone is different. I have my own running journey and do not compare myself with other runners. I firmly believe that others success doesn’t mean that there’s less opportunities for me. So when someone tells me that they couldn’t do what I did, it is awkward. Whether their statement is true or not, it is kind of irrelevant to me. Because I am not you and you are not me. So the fact that you could never run a marathon is not going to make me feel better if I ran a poor marathon. It’s all relative, y’all.
- It is so awkward. Like I mentioned above, it is awkward. If I am already feeling upset about a bad race and then someone comments and is talking bad about themselves, it puts me in the awkward position of having to try and make someone feel better about their own running when I’m not feeling great about a race.
So – what do I suggest you say to a friend / family member who has had a bad race? Keep it simple – “I’m sorry” always works well. And maybe you can offer to buy them a drink – I can speak from personal experience that always helps the sting.
What do people say to you after a bad race that you love?
Agree with so much of this. I generally believe that we should read what others post through the lens of believing they had positive intent. ( I recognize that some people engage in behaviors online that are clearly negative, but I don’t know why people follow anyone they view that way.)
If I had a bad race, I think expressing sympathy is good, or if you’re familiar with their training, it might also be nice to encourage them by mentioning that a bad race doesn’t erase that fitness gained.
Yes, agreed. People do have the best intentions, I just think they don’t know – which was the impetus behind this post!!
I agree and I did just want to clarify one thing that wasn’t clear in my comment – I was thinking of your followers who don’t seem to be assuming you have positive intent, rather than your assumptions about them!
I agree with you here. It’s hard as my running has gotten better- and I find myself saying things like “I’m not saying that XX:XX time is bad, just that when you train for ____ time, it is not what you’re capable of”.
What’s sad is that when I get the response from someone who says it and doesn’t realize my running history. I know how it feels to run a 33 min. 5K and a 2:08 half because those were my times at one point. My half PR is 30 minutes faster, but I am still proud of myself that day when I ran the first one even if that is basically my warmup/cooldown pace now. I don’t necessarily admire runners based on their race times or have some sort of obsession with the elites- I love seeing anyone put in the effort to improve whether you are improving with a 15 min/mile or a 5 min/mile.
Yes – I’ve said the same exact thing you quoted! Many many times!!
I agree Courtney, and I remember thinking similar thoughts when I read your Facebook post comments.
Ha, cherry blossom? Yeah – it’s just awkward!!!
100% agree! I’ve really felt that this year, as I struggle to regain my paces while battling RA and menopause. So I finished a half marathon in a much slower time than I’m used to, using run/walk intervals and felt bad about it, yet people said to me “I’d love to have that finish time”. Um, no, it’s not about you. It’s about a dramatic slow down for a runner who knows she is capable of so much more.!
Thanks for posting this.
Yes. Exactly right – people truly do mean well but those types of comments just aren’t helpful.
I do believe that people “mean well” when they say stuff like this, but I agree, it’s not the smartest way to ‘comfort’ someone who had a bad race. It seems relatively easy to just say “I am sorry you didn’t get what you trained for!”.
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Yes, just some food for thought. I truly think most people just don’t think about it!
This rings true on so many levels for me. I’ve just had a rather horrible half marathon last weekend. The weather forecast said rain and low temperatures, 5 min before the start the sun came out and the city was boiling (at least that’s how it felt like for me). I hadn’t done any run in the heat yet as I usually do my runs at 5 a.m. Obviously I crumbled, even had to take walking breaks (have never done that before) and finished 15 min slower than my half marathon two months ago. So many running friends told me how happy they would be to have my finish time which is very kind of them, but I don’t compare myself to others, only to myself. However, my mum, who has never been a runner, was the one who was able to make me feel better. She said she’s proud of me for being able to listen to my body (= not pushing through and take walking breaks instead). She didn’t say I ran a great time, but she still managed to find something positive in my race and that was great! Sorry for the long comment, basically, thanks for your blog post!
I so agree. I get this all the time.
Speed is relative. If I have a bad race, it’s because it is bad for me. It doesn’t matter that my time is faster than yours.
Exactly!!!
There is also the sting of the comments “meant” to be kind when as a BOP runner I feel accomplished in what I achieved and express my joy only to hear “Did you win?” Followed up with “Oh, you’ll be faster next time!” What? Wait? I just felt really good about my event until that….. I think people just don’t think through what exits the mouth. I too have been guilty and will try to be more sensitive to others. Thanks for the post!
Oh no – that’s terrible that people say that. I do think people mean well generally, but just don’t have the perspective we do.